# Best Seinfeld Quotes



## LGriffin (Apr 2, 2009)

I couldn't resist because there are so many since this is the best show EVER. The one with Bania and the Armani suit was on last night. This may not be the best quote but we ALL know guys like this:

[FONT=trebuchet ms, arial, helvetica]Bania: Great. I've been working out. Went from a size 40, to a 42.

Jerry: No kidding.

Bania: Yeah, I'm huge (ducks his head into his right shoulder with false modesty) Well, I'll leave you guys alone. (raps his knuckle twice on the table, turns and walks away)

Jerry: All right. [/FONT]


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## KozmoKramer (Apr 25, 2004)

This is why I love Kramer.. He's Batman...* 

KRAMER:* What did you go up there to heckle her for?
*JERRY:* Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste of her own medicine!
*KRAMER:* Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright.
*JERRY:* Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.
*GEORGE:* What accident?
*KRAMER:* Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
*GEORGE:* That's unbelievable!
*KRAMER:* Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
*GEORGE:* You ran?
*KRAMER:* No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "_I got a toe here, buddy - step on it._"
*GEORGE:* Holy cow!
*KRAMER:* Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "_Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack_?" I said, "_Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy_ - " I knocked him out cold!
*GEORGE:* How could you do that?!
*KRAMER:* Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
*GEORGE:* You're Batman.
*KRAMER:* Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know - at the next stop.
*JERRY:* You kept makin' all the stops?
*KRAMER:* Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
*GEORGE:* Well, what about the toe? What happened to the toe?
*KRAMER:* Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.
*GEORGE:* You did all this...for a pinky toe?
*KRAMER:* Well, it's a valuable appendage.


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## NewEngland2007 (Dec 31, 2005)

Favorite Seinfeld quote:
They're real, and they're spectacular!


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## LGriffin (Apr 2, 2009)

"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'"
- _Jerry in The Pilot_


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## Pats2009 (Aug 24, 2007)

My favorite scene when Jerrys apartment was being fumigated for lice:

Jerry and Elaine out in the hallway:

*Elaine: Jerry I need to get that maniuscrpit in that apartment!*

*Jerry: You can't go in there, is like a gas chamber in there.*

*(Kramer pops out of Jerrys apartment with a danger do not enter sign on the door)*

*Jerry: Kramer! What are you doing in there! Dont you know the place is being fumigated!*

*Kramer: Well I didn't know, and I thought the sign on the door was for your parents when you had a girl over!*

*Jerry: Well....you should be ok, you were in there like five minutes?*

*Kramer: AN HOUR AND A HALF JERRY!*


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## trueblue (Jan 21, 2008)

Nope, nope, nope......you're all wrong! All great quotes but remember the "Library Cop" episodes? EVERYTHING the Library Cop said and did was funny. I think Seinfeld was ready to crack up. I'm to lazy to look them up but if you saw the shows you know what I'm talking about.


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## robodope (Aug 31, 2003)

LOL...One of my favorites...

George: I am not giving you my code.
Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George: Yeah, right.
Kramer: Ah, all right, yeah... Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Let's go deeper... What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptation.
George: uh...
Kramer: But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow. A bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no... Yours is a sweet tooth.
George: I gotta go.
Kramer: Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... The cocoa bean! And only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon... Ovaltine!? Hershey!? Nestle Quick!?"
George: [running away] Shut up!


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## Killjoy (Jun 23, 2003)

"Wait a minute. You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?"
- Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Merv Griffin Show"

"Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business. But when you're on my set, you clean it up mister!"
- Kramer, in "The Merv Griffin Show"


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## Johnny Law (Aug 8, 2008)

When Mr. Pitt ends up looking like Hitler.
I have been accused of wrong-doing. 
But these false accusations will not 
deter us. We WILL annex Poland by the 
Spring, at any cost! AND... our stock 
will rise HIGH! (raises hand)


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## 7costanza (Aug 29, 2006)

*Jerry*: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense... am I wrong?

*Mr. Benes*: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific... There's nothing funny about that.

*Jerry*: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.*George*: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood! 
[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zePQavforA"]YouTube- Library detective Mr. Bookman Seinfeld[/nomedia]


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## HousingCop (May 14, 2004)

*Costanza - "I was in the pool."*
[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cUNNKzj_Nc"]YouTube- george costanza - i was in the pool[/nomedia]


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## KozmoKramer (Apr 25, 2004)

This thread was long overdue, much like the "Tropic of Cancer" book Jerry forgot to return to the library.
And this thread is bound to burn up the board, not unlike the burning I experience during urination..


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## MetrowestPD (Oct 21, 2008)

You'll be out before we get the check!" 
*- Jerry, to Kramer, who wants in on "The Contest" *Are you Master of your Domain?" 
"I am King of the County. You?" "Lord of the Manor." "I'm Queen of the castle!" *- Jerry, George and Elaine, in "The Contest" *"You caved?!" "It's over!?!" "You're out?!?" "Oh my God, the Queen is dead!" "I figured you'd cruise, at least through the spring..." *- George and Jerry, reacting with shock at the news that Elaine has dropped out of "The Contest" * 
I thought this was the funniest f##%% episode of any show I ever saw.


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## LGriffin (Apr 2, 2009)

KozmoKramer said:


> This thread was long overdue, much like the "Tropic of Cancer" book Jerry forgot to return to the library.
> And this thread is bound to burn up the board, not unlike the burning I experience during urination..


Hey Koz - A little cranberry juice will clear that right up...

Too much of that going round these days. "There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "smell Gestapo." To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush..."
-Jerry in The Smelly Car


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## Guest (May 31, 2009)

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be correct" - Jerry to George.


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## GreenMachine (Mar 26, 2007)

Jerry: Hey George, how are you going to keep the machine plugged in?
George: What?
Jerry: Well, when you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
George: You're right. Why must there always be a problem. You'd think just once I'd catch a break. God knows I earned it with that score.


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## Andy0921 (Jan 12, 2006)

Just watched this episode:
[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG81Bvyzi6w"]YouTube- Kramer meets the Pigman[/nomedia]


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## lpwpd722 (Jun 13, 2006)

Housing cop, I was thinking the same thing....shrinkage.

Classic "no soup for you"

and...the Rochelle, Rochelle episode with Bette Midler, but I think that was also the pigman episode. They're all classics.


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## LGriffin (Apr 2, 2009)

Excuse me officer. There's a guy outside and he's kind of a nut job and I think he's waiting to beat me up. If you could just walk me outside and wait till I get into a cab.
Cop: Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin.
Jerry: Thanks.
Jerry waits a while and realizes he has to go sit back with George and wait over there.]
Jerry (back in booth): He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life. 
[Looks over at the cop]
Hey! He's looking at the menu now. What's he looking at the menu for?!
George: I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin.
[Jerry gets up and walks to the counter]
Jerry (bossy): What are you doing?
Cop: What?
Jerry: What, are you ordering food now?
Cop: Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich.
Jerry: What happened to the muffin?
Cop: I got a little hungry.
Jerry: All of a sudden you get hungry?
Cop: Yeah! You got a problem with that?
Jerry: No! Enjoy your lunch.
[Goes back toward the booth and stops.]
You know a muffin can be very filling.
[Keeps walking to the booth]
(to George): He's getting a sandwich now!
George: I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.
Jerry: All of a sudden he gets hungry.
George: You know, a muffin can be very filling.
Jerry: I know!


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## fscpd907 (Jun 5, 2003)

trueblue said:


> Nope, nope, nope......you're all wrong! All great quotes but remember the "Library Cop" episodes? EVERYTHING the Library Cop said and did was funny. I think Seinfeld was ready to crack up. I'm to lazy to look them up but if you saw the shows you know what I'm talking about.


"Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over." _- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library" _


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## OfficerObie59 (Sep 14, 2007)

TIMMY: What are you doing?

GEORGE: What?

TIMMY: Did...did you just double-dip that chip?

GEORGE: Excuse me?

TIMMY: You double-dipped the chip!

GEORGE: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about?

TIMMY: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. <points at the dip> And you dipped again.

GEORGE: So...?

TIMMY: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it!

GEORGE: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way.

TIMMY: Oh, you don't, huh?

GEORGE: No. You dip the way you want to dip... I'll dip the way I want to dip.

TIMMY: Gimme the chip! Gimme the chip!

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1J3w4cS2MvM&NR=1"]YouTube- Seinfeld: double dip[/nomedia][nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWuSi00CcNk&feature=related"]YouTube- double dip[/nomedia]


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## dave7336 (Mar 25, 2006)

*Cushman*: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants. 
*George Steinbrenner*: Nice to meet you. 
*George Costanza*: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego. 
*George Steinbrenner*: Hire this man

I need to put my answering machine to this..
[nomedia]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6hN_Zv0tBo[/nomedia]

and the classic...

Izzy Mandelbaum..."it's go time"

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcFSOnumgZA"]YouTube- Izzy Mandelbaum[/nomedia]


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## MVS (Jul 2, 2003)

One of my favorites scenes:

[nomedia]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5l7lXSmjsQ[/nomedia]


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## 4ransom (Mar 1, 2006)

Jerry: So you don't make a habbit of donating to the blind?

George: Not Bills!


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