# Ex-gf problems, threats, vandalism, attempted B/E



## Guest (Nov 22, 2006)

I'm at my wits end here and need some advice. I will provide some background on what's been happening to me and hopefully some of you can offer your thoughts as to what I should do. I know this is long winded but I could really use some advice from this community.

I dated a girl for about 8 months and then I ended things this past June. She refused to accept it and began stalking, harassing and threatening me. On June 9th she attempted a B/E to my home, broke a window in my back door and tried to gain entry by putting her arm through and unlocking the deadbolt. I was home at the time and called the police who promptly came and escorted her off the property.

On July 11 I got a 209A against her at the local courthouse. After discovering I did so, later that evening she reported a Dom A/B that I had slapped her in the face. I was arrested. I had proof that I couldn't have done it (I was in another city with witnesses) but the police said they had to arrest me.

She did not press charges on the Dom A/B since it was a lie and she couldn't prove anything. My 209A was vacated by the judge 10 days later due to the fact that I wasn't in fear of my life. I disagreed with the decision of course, but that was the end of that.

From Aug to Nov the harassment and stalking continued. Over 600 phone calls from her in the span of 60 days, I have records to prove it. She would park up the street from my home and wait for me to arrive, then come to my home and ring the doorbell/knock at the door and would refuse to leave after I asked her to do so. From Aug to Sept I had the police remove her from my property 9 times. I have police reports for each incident. It seemed logical that the police would have arrested her after the 2nd or 3rd occurrence, but each time it was a different officer and she is very good at making up stories. Her usual story begins with a lot of crying to soften up the male PO, then she would say that she was at my home to retrieve some of her belongings. This was a complete lie - I did not have anything of hers, but it drew enough attention away from her trespassing that the officer would just tell her to leave, no arrest.

This past weekend I was at a Mobil station getting some soda and chips. When I exited the building, she appeared out of nowhere. She had been waiting for me around the back of the Mobil. As I walked back to my vehicle, she followed me and asked questions like "Can't we just talk? Why won't you return my phone calls? I don't want things to be over." I ignored her and simply told her to leave me alone. I got in my vehicle and started the ignition. She stood directly outside my driver door and said "You better not go to sleep tonight, because I'm going to f***ing kill you." Then she took out her car keys and "keyed" my vehicle across the driver side and passenger side door. After doing so, she ran back to her vehicle parked across the lot and drove away. I immediately called the police and had a report issued. I then proceeded to the PD in my town (2 mins away) and filed for an Emer209A due to the threat on my life. I had to wait for the sgt to arrive to write up the paperwork and was at the PD for almost 2 hours. After the sgt arrived the judge was called and the 209A issued. About this time, after seeing my vehicle in front of the PD, she came into the station and alleged that I had just punched her in the face. The officers laughed at her, saying I had been there for the past 2 hours filing claims against her. Plus she did not have any marks on her face. She said she didn't care and that she wanted me arrested and put in jail. The officers told her they would not do that. And since she was at the station, they served her right there with the 209A.

The officers instructed her to go home, which was 40 mins away, there was no reason for her to be in my town at the time. She left the building and I chatted with the officers for another 20 mins and then I left too. Upon reaching my home about 10 mins later, I received a phone call from her. I immediately drove back to the PD and filed a complaint that she violated the 209A. As I was filling out the paperwork, she arrived at the PD and said I had just called her. Her phone had no record of a call from me, but I had a record of her call to me. The officers placed her under arrest and she spent the weekend in jail.

At her arraignment on Monday the judge continued the 209A until the hearing, about 3 weeks away. In addition I filed a complaint against her for the damage to my vehicle, which will cost approx $2000 according to my ins company.

So now that the story is out of the way, here are some questions. I'm obviously dealing with someone who has some issues. She's had no problem lying to the PO's and filing false claims. She stalks me, harasses me, damages my property, and threatened my life. Getting a 209A as a male in this state is extremely difficult, and getting one continued as a male is darn near impossible. I was very pleased that my order was continued until the hearing, but I worry that it will be vacated at that time. This would be extremely bad, since it would open me up to more attacks and false claims by her.

What do you suggest I do in preparation for the hearing in order to increase my chances of having the 209A continued? I've already gotten all the police reports from the PD's in my area. Also, is there anything you can recommed I do or NOT do in the future to protect myself from her? Like I said at the beginning, I am at my wits end here and really need some help. This state seems ready, willing, and able to help women in situations like this, but its a different story for a guy. I've considered getting vid surv systems for my home, and tools to allow me to record phone conversations. If anyone has experience with either of these things I'd like to get some feedback on that too.

Any and all thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thanks for helping a citizen under attack.


----------



## SOT (Jul 30, 2004)

move


----------



## Guest (Nov 22, 2006)

I did move. And I changed my phone number. Nothing is stopping her.


----------



## JoninNH (Jan 29, 2004)

If you moved and changed your number, then she wouldn't know where you live or where to call you. You need to cut all ties with this broad. This means... do not go to the same stores, restruants, hang-outs, in your old town. You have friends who are also her friends? Stop talking to them, or at least make sure they don't know your new # or addy. Change your patterns. Everyone has patterns. Do you usually drive a specific way home from work? Change it. Do you always buy gas on Tuesday when you save a nickle a gallon? Suck it up and buy it from a different station down the street on Thursdays. This woman is bad news, you seem smart enough to recognize that, so please, be smart enough to solve the problem. A 209A is NOT going to solve all your problems. It's a piece of paper, thats it. She has demonstrated an ability and desire to harrass you in spite of your active 209A. Whether or not your 209A is continued or sustained is less important then you figuring out a way to stay completely clear of this woman... forever. This means that when she emails you six months after you last see her, that you don't reply to the email. This means that YOU need to take proactive measures to keep away from her. Is it fair? No.


----------



## Clouseau (Mar 9, 2004)

It's not serious until she boils your pet rabbit.


----------



## SOT (Jul 30, 2004)

If you move then go to the same bars, hang out at the same places, you just moved your stuff.

You have to MOVE...like to another state, other end of the state etc.
Use a PO Box for all your mail...get a cell and never a land line, etc.
MOVE.


----------



## Guest (Nov 22, 2006)

JoninNH said:


> If you moved and changed your number, then she wouldn't know where you live or where to call you. You need to cut all ties with this broad. This means... do not go to the same stores, restruants, hang-outs, in your old town.


Not true. I haven't called her, I haven't emailed her. I want nothing to do with her. Yet somehow she figured out where I live and my new phone number. Given her history of harassment and stalking, it wouldn't surprise me if she had followed me home from work one day to find out where I live. We don't live in the same town. She lives 35 miles away from me. I never go to her town, I have no reason to. She has no reason to be in my town either, yet she's always there attempting to have some kind of contact with me.



JoninNH said:


> You have friends who are also her friends? Stop talking to them, or at least make sure they don't know your new # or addy.


Nope, none at all.



JoninNH said:


> Change your patterns. Everyone has patterns. Do you usually drive a specific way home from work? Change it. Do you always buy gas on Tuesday when you save a nickle a gallon? Suck it up and buy it from a different station down the street on Thursdays.


Its funny you mention this. I have tried to do this. I take a different route home from work than I used to. I don't do my food shopping on the days I used to. It makes no difference, she always finds a way around what I do. I'm sure she tried to find me on my way home from work, and when I didn't drive that way she adapted. Instead of parking along that route, she parks closer to my home so my driveway is visible and she can see exactly when I get home.



JoninNH said:


> This woman is bad news, you seem smart enough to recognize that, so please, be smart enough to solve the problem.


I appreciate your candor, but this type of comment gets under my skin. How am I supposed to solve this problem? No matter what I do to protect myself, she finds another way to harass me. You make it sound like I'm doing something to instigate her behavior, or worse even, that I've done something to deserve this. I assure you, I haven't. I'm doing everything I can to stay away from her and protect myself but it just isn't working.



JoninNH said:


> A 209A is NOT going to solve all your problems. It's a piece of paper, thats it. She has demonstrated an ability and desire to harrass you in spite of your active 209A. Whether or not your 209A is continued or sustained is less important then you figuring out a way to stay completely clear of this woman... forever.


I'm not sure I agree with this. I'll explain why but would like you to expand on your comment if you don't mind.

Having a 209A means that any contact she has with me is a violation and an arrestable offense. I'm sure she didn't appreciate being in a holding cell all weekend. Thus it seems to me having a 209A against her - the violation of which would land her back in jail - would serve as a somewhat-effective deterrent. You're right, its just a piece of paper. But at least she knows that if she violates it she's going back in the can. That must mean something, right?



JoninNH said:


> This means that when she emails you six months after you last see her, that you don't reply to the email. This means that YOU need to take proactive measures to keep away from her. Is it fair? No.


Believe me, I have no interest in communicating with her on any level. I won't be replying to any email, IM's or any such thing... ever. Trust me on this. I want nothing to do with her. Period. I agree I have to take proactive measures to keep away from her, and I'm trying to do that. Which is part of the reason why I posted here in the first place. I thought I was doing the right things, yet she continues to find me and harass me. At what point do I stop running away and fight for my rights to exist as a person and not be harassed? How many times should I move or change my phone number? When is enough, enough?

I appreciate your feedback, and look forward to your response.


----------



## 94c (Oct 21, 2005)

send her secret gifts in one of your enemy's name.

hopefully she'll start stalking him instead.


----------



## justanotherparatrooper (Aug 27, 2006)

Brother, youve got my sympathys. Some women are very tenacious...Ive got an x wife like that, she wont let go of shit and HAS to have the last word. God help you cause the justice system WONT...least not till youve been injured or worse . your right bout one thing, if you were a woman...his ass would be in the clink


----------



## Guest (Nov 24, 2006)

justanotherparatrooper said:


> God help you cause the justice system WONT...least not till youve been injured or worse . your right bout one thing, if you were a woman...his ass would be in the clink


Unfortunately, that's the way things are in the Mass Justice System. While it is totally unfair and unjust, I can understand where it comes from.

How do I overcome this sex bias and get the court to actually help me? I'm really worried my 209A will be vacated at the next hearing even though I have a mountain of evidence against the defendant. Is there a specific tactic or argument I can use when in front of the judge that will increase my chances of success?


----------



## justanotherparatrooper (Aug 27, 2006)

I am NOT LE, my only experience was a nasty three year divorce. You are doing the right thing in documenting EVERYTHING. I hate to say it but Id hire a lawyer or at least talk to one. Its expensive but theres too much can go wrong in court especially where shes being so vindictive. Again , good luck. And its not just Ma. thats like that...I live in NH


----------



## SOT (Jul 30, 2004)

Hey you might want to get a little video camera and keep it with you...one of those digital ones...that could really help document things.

google ATC2K
or look at www.aiptek.com


----------



## Deuce (Sep 27, 2003)

This state sucks when you're the guy, get a damn good lawyer, keep all your reports and any photo evidence and take them all to court. Every time psycho calls or shows up call 911. Violate her every time. If the 209A gets vacated, call 911 after every call or harassment and file criminal harassment charges. The 1st charge is a misdemeanor. If she's found guilty of that one, every subsequent charge is a felony. Criminal harassment falls under the stalking statute. When she gets locked up and you go to court don't let the ADA allow her to plea it out, send the bitch to jail... Don't move because of the bitch, she wins. In fact surround yourself w/ friends that can provide alibi's...


----------



## rocksy1826 (Nov 12, 2006)

18 gauge full of air to the jugular.


what?


----------



## KozmoKramer (Apr 25, 2004)

SOT_II said:


> Hey you might want to get a little video camera and keep it with you... look at www.aiptek.com


Take a look here as well: http://www.smarthome.com/
They have some excellent outdoor, wireless video cameras that you can record the output from.
Like SOT and Paratrooper say, get it recorded and document everything and you should significantly increase your chances with the courts.


----------



## LA Copper (Feb 11, 2005)

You mentioned that you dated her for about eight months. Did you meet any members of her family? Did you become friendly with them? If so, I would seriously consider talking to them and letting them know what she's been doing. This may not be her first time and maybe they can help her.

While you are right to get the restraining order, it's still just a piece of paper. It isn't some invisible forcefield that's going to keep her from doing something serious to you. It's obvious that she has mental health issues, which are unpredictable. Expect the unexpected and don't underestimate her.


----------



## Barbrady (Aug 5, 2004)

*57 to trace the calls. It can be another way to document the harassment.


----------



## Guest (Dec 6, 2006)

SOT_II said:


> Hey you might want to get a little video camera and keep it with you...one of those digital ones...that could really help document things.


Most cell phones have "still" and "video" cameras on them, too, and the videos run for 15 seconds at a time.

My only concern about recording a video is that I believe it's illegal in Massachusetts to "tape record" someone's voice without their consent. Even though you're video taping the broad you'll be recording her voice, too, and I'm not sure if that would fly in court or get you into even more trouble (since it's unlikely that she'll take a short break from stalking you in order to give her consent for you to record her voice).

Does anyone have experience with the whole "can't record without consent" thing?


----------



## Deuce (Sep 27, 2003)

rocksy1826 said:


> 18 gauge full of air to the jugular.
> 
> what?


12 gauge of buck...


----------



## lawdog671 (Sep 20, 2005)

Has this woman ever been officially charged with stalking?? And if she is following you around, running into you at bars, etc., get her locked up each and every time for the violations. That'll serve couple purposes... #1 being now all the cops in your town will know her personally and won't fall for the sob stories. And #2, maybe the liberal judges in Mass wll be forced to see a pattern of non-compliance with their orders, which even the liberal ones like their orders followed. #3 maybe she'll get tired of getting locked up. #4 inquire about the stalking charge since she's set a pattern of harrassment and intinidation, prop damage etc..sounds like fairly strong case..I successfully charged someone with less than what you seem to have in EXTREMELY liberal and forgiving court and he got few years out of that charge alone.
Lastly frommy experience a 209A is just a piece of paper, meaning it does have some bite to it, but its not a force field thats gonna protect you from someone who wants to physically hurt you.. It means be careful thats all. Good luck.


----------



## Minion (Nov 24, 2006)

wow, ok thanks for all the responses. Sorry I haven't posted here in a few weeks, here are some responses and a bit of an update. If you just want to read the update scroll down. 

SOT_II,

I have purchased a mini dv video camera and it goes everywhere I do. Sucks having to keep it with me but will be 
worth it if I need it.

KozmoKramer,

Thanks for the SmartHome link, I am looking into a home surveillance system right now. I've got a spare laptop with some HP and disk space I could throw at the system. I'm looking forward to getting it all set up.

LA Copper,

Its funny you mention talking to her parents... my folks thought. I should do the same thing. The problem is, she lies to everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. None of her family or friends know the truth about what has happened. They all believe she is the victim. Not only that, but she went as far as to call my old landlord, some of my friends, and some co-workers of mine to tell them that I used to hit her and I was arrested for A/B. She has surrounded herself with such a large bubble of lies its not worth the energy to get through to anyone. 

Barbrady,

I didn't know that - I'll try it if she ever calls again with a blocked caller ID.

USMCMP5811,

Thanks for such a detailed response. I won't reply to every comment - suffice to say I have read what you wrote and am taking action on some of those recommendations. Thanks again.

lawdog671,

The main difference between my case and the case you refer to, is that your defendant was male. Mine is not. The bias is defined by that, and that alone. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY in the court system wants to punish a girl for crimes of a domestic type. Its quite amazing actually... I have indeed tried to have her locked up on several occasions. More on that below.

=======
UPDATE
=======

So I had my hearings today. Cases were the following:

1) Criminal complaint for violation of RO
2) RO (extend/vacate)
3) Clerk Magistrate hearing to determine if Vand/Mal Dest should proceed

The results were, that my RO was continued (extended) until the end of next year. The crim violation of RO was plead to CWOF, with a 1 yr prob period. 

I am very happy about these results. Best that could be expected given the circumstances. 

The Vand/Mal Dest was a different story however. In that case, the clerk decided to dismiss the complaint. Even though the defendant admitted to damaging my vehicle and offered to pay X amount of dollars, the clerk still dismissed it.

So I don't get it. I thought that hearing was to determine whether or not there is sufficient evidence to go in front of a judge. In this case, not only is there sufficient evidence, but NOBODY is refuting the charge! 

I have a feeling the clerk was swayed by the defendant's wailing and sobbing. Yet another instance where the law just doesn't apply to those with boobs, a uterus and a vagina. There's no doubt that if the roles were reversed - I had threatened her life, got an RO issued against me, sentenced to prob for 1 yr, admitted to damaging her vehicle - she would have walked away with a court date for the Vand/Mal Dest hearing.

What the fuck is wrong with Massachusetts? I digress...

So, do I have the right to appeal the clerk's decision? If not, what other options do I have? Small claims court won't cover the damages I've incurred. 

In addition, I should mention that she violated the current RO a second time (last week she emailed me). Police report issued and complaint about to be filed for that.

Finally I'd just like to take a moment to thank all those who replied to this thread. This whole situation has been really hard on me. Being a "civilian" and all its great to have a resource like this to discuss my thoughts with officers of the law. Thanks again everyone.


----------



## KozmoKramer (Apr 25, 2004)

Very courteous response Minion.. :thumbup:
Good Luck.


----------



## Minion (Nov 24, 2006)

Thanks Kozmo.  

Does anyone have any thoughts on the Vand/Mal Dest issue? I forgot to mention that the defendant's aunt is a clerk-magistrate in another Massachusetts town. There may have been some tampering here causing the prejudicial decision by this clerk, i.e. a phone call and a personal request for dismissal regardless of the facts.

Can I appeal the clerk's decision?

At this point moving to the west coast is looking more and more appealing...


----------



## Minion (Nov 24, 2006)

I'm starting to really hate this state. Seriously.

My just cause hearing for the vandalism to my vehicle contained the following facts:

1) I saw the defendant damage my vehicle on purpose
2) Other eye witnesses saw the defendant damage my vehicle and are willing to testify
3) The criminal act is on videotape
4) The defendant is NOT denying that she damaged my vehicle

Someone tell me, how on earth does my complaint get DISMISSED at the just cause hearing by a clerk magistrate? Isn't a just cause hearing simply to determine whether there are enough facts to go to trial? Furthermore, I appealed for a re-determination hearing by writing a letter to the judge including all the facts about the case, and that request was DENIED.

What the FUCK!?!?!

Sorry for the foul language but I am in utter shock.

So the court is telling me that:

A) Its not illegal to damage someone else's property
B) If you commit a crime, other people see you commit the crime, its on videotape and you don't deny committing the crime, you will be let off and found not responsible AS IF YOU NEVER COMMITTED THE CRIME.

Someone please, please give me some advice here. I am not a violent person or a criminal, but this state is making me want to take the law into my own hands and do bad aweful things. Please help!


----------



## justanotherparatrooper (Aug 27, 2006)

DONT BE STUPID.....no matter how frusrated you get, just what she wants you to do.


----------



## Minion (Nov 24, 2006)

I won't do anything stupid. In the grand scheme of things a car means nothing.

I just needed to vent.

Almost very experience I've had with the court system during this ordeal has been an utter disappointment. The system totally failed me. What makes this particular situation especially ridiculous is that this is a simple case, the facts are extremely clear, yet the determinations of the court are wrong. If this scenario is a challenge I can only imagine how badly the court screws up more complicated cases. I feel sorry for all the people that has affected...

I feel like writing a letter to Martha Coakley or someone like that. Any recommendations? It'll probably get tossed in the bin but it might make me feel better heh


----------



## Deuce (Sep 27, 2003)

It's like that for us all the time. Try getting injured by some mope when your helping someone and the judge throws out all charges including A&B/PO...
I feel for ya but don't get yourself in the glue...


----------



## KozmoKramer (Apr 25, 2004)

It's another example of the system f-ing over the person in the right.


----------

