# Hypothetical



## kttref (Oct 5, 2004)

If you're dream was MSP, but your significant other was in processes in another state, say CT (CSP process)...and you got called up to proceed in the 78th RTT. Would you, knowing that your significant other would have to halt their career (you are already an officer in a muni. location) and possibly give up law enforcement as a whole, continue the RTT process?





I ask because I feel really guilty sometimes that my husband didn't continue with MSP. I'm in 6 processes in CT...and knowing if he got MSP I would be out of law enforcement for a very long time (you all know how civil circus is)...he postponed until the 79RTT...And, my God, do I love him for it...but like I said, I feel guilty...What would you all have done?


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## Irishpride (May 5, 2002)

kttref";p="67923 said:


> Would you, knowing that your significant other would have to halt their career (you are already an officer in a muni. location) and possibly give up law enforcement as a whole, continue the RTT process?


Of course I would. To quote Mr. Burns from the Simpsons "friends, family, and religion...thoes are the three demons any man must conquer to be successful"

Seriously though if he received a firm offer for MSP and you are still job hunting I would have to say that he would win that one. But if you are on CSP and then he has an opportunity to peruse MSP I think he should bow out gracefully. I don't know how old your husband is but you have your age listed as 23 (and I know a woman would never lie about her age) that it pretty young in the grand scheme of things and you could easily wait out a few years in MA with CS.


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## Macop (May 2, 2002)

Why would either one of stop the process, just live in acentral location in either state. You say they may not allow living out of state, well you will just have to find out, maybe an exemtion would be made by one of the two agencies. Or but a house on the state line, sounds dumb but there are houses that occupy two different states, guess it would take some hunting to find a house like that but there are out there.


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## kttref (Oct 5, 2004)

I hate not having a job..and I know in MA getting on it like a finding a needle in a haystack. I can't go back to a white collar job, it's just not me. 

Both CSP and MSP state you must have a license per the respective state to work for the agency. 

My husband is 27 and has started to truly feel settled down here. Whereas I've never had a desire to move to MA and quite honestly I doubt I'd be happy there. He would want to live in Western Mass. and it's just not me. I'm not the "rural" type. Nor am I the city type. Give me a booming suburb and I'm happy. Our biggest problem was my selfishness of hating the idea of living in Ma. And having him flat out tell me "you won't get a job any time soon". I hate working these bum jobs. 

I've been working my ass off for over a year trying to get hired here, and I'm in a few processes, and am actually starting to get somewhere with them. I let him pursue his dream of becoming an officer before I began. Wouldn't you think it'd be fair to let me have a chance first?

Maybe he's just nicer then you guys, but I think it's amazingly giving and loving that he passed on the 78th (turns out he didn't want to fail and risk losing his good job as it is) so that I can continue in my dream.

Thanks for the feedback.


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## Barbrady (Aug 5, 2004)

I thought you could live in a neighboring state. Just have to leave the cruiser at the barracks.


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## kttref (Oct 5, 2004)

Barbrady";p="67970 said:


> I thought you could live in a neighboring state. Just have to leave the cruiser at the barracks.


If that is so, what about needing an MA license?


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## SPD3 (Feb 1, 2005)

As a Mass trooper you must live in state and there are no exceptions. I sacrificed a relationship for the job and have never looked back. The ramifications of his passing on the position depend upon a myriad of factors including the strength of his desire and his personality. I respect other people's view that family comes first but it is and never will be so simple. My only caution to you would be that the psychology of resentment in a marriage can be deep and long lasting as well as ridiculously complex (of course that works both ways). You are sailing toward Scylla and Charybdis and I wish you luck.


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## kttref (Oct 5, 2004)

The biggest factor in him passing on the 78th was because he knew I wouldn't be happy in MA. And this is a partnership now. He's happy he has another shot at the 79th. Getting the notifcation for 78th made him realize he had to get his ass in shape. Being married makes it completly different then dating. You cannot worry about yourself, you MUST think about the best thing for both people. The best thing for the both of us was to stay where we are now, and worry about the 79th in Feb. if it comes to that. If I don't have a job by then, we will revist the entire situation. 

To all the people who have responded, are any of you married? What would your significant others say? The answers I've heard seem somewhat one-sided. I guess I expected a lot of you to at least think about the significant other in this situation. 


I now, more then ever, realize how lucky I am with my husband. Thank you for helping me appreciate him more then I already did. He's my world and my life and you all reminded me why. He's not selfish and he is willing to compromise on everything. Thanks for being honest.


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## BlackOps (Dec 29, 2004)

Family first, job second, period!


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## kttref (Oct 5, 2004)

BlackOps";p="67976 said:


> Family first, job second, period!


That, according to my father-in-law, is the most important rule to live by. We both do it. Thanks for posting that BlackOps!


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## SPD3 (Feb 1, 2005)

The "family comes first" mantra is great but it doesn't do much when both spouses are seeking law enforcement jobs in different states now does it? Since both of you are in the job application process one of you has to defer to the other's desire and hence it is a zero sum transaction. 

kttref wrote:

"I guess I expected a lot of you to at least think about the significant other in this situation. "

Who said they did not? In your case either you or your spouse has to concede to the other so either way one of you is selfish according to your logic. If the SP was his life long dream and he deferred because he knew you wouldn't be happy then I could easily turn it around and say you were not thinking of your significant other. Get it? I am not trying to be a jerk however I detected a note of criticism in your response. Your particular situation involves a two-sided coin and your family appears on both sides. 

In any event he only deferred until the next class so in reality no decision has been made at all. The same issues will arise in 8 months. I will say that without the absolute support of his wife your husband stands zero chance of completing the MSP academy. Again good luck.


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## futureMSP (Jul 1, 2002)

Why did he even bother deferring to the 79th? He mine as well just drop out completely. You don't seem like you want to budge on the living in MA issue. He wants you to be happy and for that to happen it would require you getting employed in CT as a law enforcement officer (CSP Preferrably). He seems like he is making a huge sacrifice to give up on the dream job he has wanted. He is letting you pursue your dreams and get the job and life you want. But when you retire in 20 or so years and he can't (or maybe he can I don't know the situation) there could be some resentment. Relationships are about compromising to better the situation, but this really isn't a compromise, it is more of him sacrificing. This more of a "I'll give and you take". It seems like he is more concerned about you being happy and content then he is about himself being the same. You are very lucky and I am glad that you see that. A compromise benefits both people in some way. Your taking your dream job and him not taking his dream job is not a compromise, it is a sacrifice.

You are very lucky that he chose the path he did because from some of the reponses it doesn't seem like many people would have taken that road. Good luck with the CSP process I hope you get through it all. If it doesn't go well there might be some words from him :roll:


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## kttref (Oct 5, 2004)

You're right, he did only defer. Hopefully in 8 months I'll have a job and the situation will be null. But if it comes up again he knows I'll do whatever he wants, but he also knows I most likely will not be happy in MA. Nothing against him or MSP, I just couldn't live where he wants to go (Western Ma). He knows I'll go if he goes, and who knows I just could be happy...but there is a good possibility that I won't be. Selfish as that sounds, it's just not me.

We had a huge discussion about it before he sent the paper work in. Here are some more details. Before he moved to CT to puruse LE he had given up on MA. He had never really wanted state before that. All he wanted was to be a local somewhere. He came down here, because a local and was really happy. Then he got the letter from MSP saying he was moving on in the 78th process. That's when he decided he really wanted to do it.

Yes, one of us is going to be selfish. But before he moved to CT he said he would be happy wherever he got on, he just wanted to get a job. Now he has one, that he loves.



futureMSP";p="67986 said:


> Why did he even bother deferring to the 79th? He mine as well just drop out completely. You don't seem like you want to budge on the living in MA issue. He wants you to be happy and for that to happen it would require you getting employed in CT as a law enforcement officer (CSP Preferrably). He seems like he is making a huge sacrifice to give up on the dream job he has wanted. He is letting you pursue your dreams and get the job and life you want. But when you retire in 20 or so years and he can't (or maybe he can I don't know the situation) there could be some resentment. Relationships are about compromising to better the situation, but this really isn't a compromise, it is more of him sacrificing. This more of a "I'll give and you take". It seems like he is more concerned about you being happy and content then he is about himself being the same. You are very lucky and I am glad that you see that. A compromise benefits both people in some way. Your taking your dream job and him not taking his dream job is not a compromise, it is a sacrifice.
> 
> You are very lucky that he chose the path he did because from some of the reponses it doesn't seem like many people would have taken that road. Good luck with the CSP process I hope you get through it all. If it doesn't go well there might be some words from him :roll:


Deferring gives him another chance if my dream doesn't work. What did you score on the last MSP exam?

So you're saying that my waiting on my dream to begin with, and working a white-collar job that I hated, so that he could pursue law enforcement wasn't a sacrifice in itself? You think I'm taking more then I'm giving. You don't know me, and you don't know our situation. I've given plenty. He was out of work and I was supporting him for almost 5 months prior to him getting a job, and it wasn't the first time. It's my turn, I'll be selfish all I want right now because it's my damn turn. You pissed me off. You don't know us.

For the most part many of the response I've seen are related just to us. I wanted an answer to the hypothetical. Out home situation is actually very happy. We spoke again last night after I posted this and he said the timing was wrong with MSP. Had it been a year ago or a year from now it would be completly different. If I was still working in NYC then he would have done it no questions asked, and I would have gone along with it...anything to get out of the city...but now that our priorities have changed it was timing. He would not have been able to get the time off of work, and he knows how hard I'm trying to accomplish what he has. It's not me...it was them.

But I appreciate all the people making me feel even shitter about this subject, at least I have him to tell me I did nothing wrong.


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