# Thinking of shocking yourself with a taser? READ THIS FIRST



## AOfficer2009 (Jun 3, 2009)

Found this on another forum and thought you guys would get a laugh out of it.

"I don't know if this is true or not but it really doesn't matter. It is sooo funny and it might be worth considering if you are thinking about buying a tazer.

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS 

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? 

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong? 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .? 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . . . . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? 

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!"


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## TRPDiesel (Nov 28, 2008)

AOfficer2009 said:


> Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
> 
> 
> 
> > Couldn't do it.. I laughed my ass off.


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## jedediah1 (Jun 18, 2009)

+1


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## Nightstalker (Jul 25, 2006)

I had a shitty day in court today... but trust me... this made my day! As always... U guys rock!


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## lpwpd722 (Jun 13, 2006)

I read that one before. Laughed just as much this time. Had tears coming out of my eyes.


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## MetrowestPD (Oct 21, 2008)

Great funny story.


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## TRPDiesel (Nov 28, 2008)

LawMan3 said:


> LOL that one never gets old! I believe someone may have posted that story on here before, but I still laughed out loud at the sheer stupidity of it all!


The funny part about it being incredibly stupid is that I can picture the majority of us doing it ourselves.


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## L4G81 (Nov 12, 2006)

Great post. Thanks AO!


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## AOfficer2009 (Jun 3, 2009)

I definitely laughed my ass off when I read this, too funny!


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## mikey742 (Mar 4, 2005)

:L::L::L:


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## TopCop24 (Jul 11, 2005)

That, as ESPN would say, is an Instant Classic


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## Pats2009 (Aug 24, 2007)

Awesome post! There are so many things that make that story LOL


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## Mass (Jan 21, 2006)

I was laughing my ass off!


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## AOfficer2009 (Jun 3, 2009)

Just read this again and I still can't stop laughing!!!


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