# Funny thing your kids say.



## 263FPD

My two year old daughter comes to me about an half hour ago, and says "Daddy, I have poopoo on my diaper." I thank her for telling me because frankly, sometimes she will just sit in it until it gives her a rash.

She then, squares off to me and points a finger in my face and in a loud and demanding voice says "You have to take it from me!" I ask her what she wants me to take and she again tells me "You must take it from me, you must take my poop!!! You always must take poop from me!!!"

So how about that? I don't take any "Poop" from anyone at work, but at home is a different story. I have to take "Poop" from my daughter, and evidently I just have to deal with it. Can't wait for the teenage years.


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## HistoryHound

I don't want to spoil the anticipation for you, but when they become teenagers it's no longer funny things my kids say. It becomes scary things my kids say.:teeth_smile:

Some of the stuff the little ones come up with is hysterical. We still talk about some of the gems my girls said to us. There was the Flintstone's vitamin incident, where my daughter took her vitamin, looked at me & very proudly said "I bit him head off". Apparently, she learned early that sometimes you just have to bite someone's head off. Then there was the "I'm full of balogna" as she handed me a half eaten balogna sandwich.

So remember, it's ok that you have to take poop from your daughter. In about 10-11 years you can start giving it back when you tell her the story. The kids never seem to find those stories as funny as we do.


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## justanotherparatrooper

"Dad, can I talk to you? Its not about money".....Its ALWAYS about money
"Only I know what I forgot"....a gem from my friends son at age 4
"Its not what you think"....My son when I walked in on him and his buddies smoking a joint


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## 263FPD

justanotherparatrooper said:


> "Dad, can I talk to you? Its not about money".....Its ALWAYS about money
> "Only I know what I forgot"....a gem from my friends son at age 4
> *"Its not what you think"....My son when I walked in on him and his buddies smoking a joint*


Of course its not. You thought that was hebal medicine, didn't you?


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## justanotherparatrooper

Ive heard that one too..... Its not a drug cause its natural:redcarded:
"penis penis penis" ....my youngest boy at 5 yelling it to my mother, AFTER he locked her out of her own car in a parking lot DURING A DOWNPOUR!


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## 263FPD

justanotherparatrooper said:


> Ive heard that one too..... Its not a drug cause its natural:redcarded:
> *"penis penis penis"* ....my youngest boy at 5 yelling it to my mother, AFTER he locked her out of her own car in a parking lot DURING A DOWNPOUR!


As long as he wasn't waving it at her I guess it's OK:wavespin:


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## retired2000

When my daughter was about five we took my Mom out for breakfast. Mom asked if we could go to the cemetery and visit my dad's grave. But first we have to go to her house so she could get her garden tools. At that point my daughter says "Nana were going to visit not dig him up"


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## cc3915

"Got a detail Dada???".....one of the first sentences that my son spoke.

"I hate you, you're stupid!!!"...... my daughter to my son, on a regular basis.


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## KozmoKramer

263 I love it when my guys used to pronounce something wrong. Its a cuteness factor I think. I'd get pissed when mom corrected them. hahhahha
Some of my faves; "we hate the You Nork Yankees", "Chango White Sox", "technicals (figure that one out for yourselves)", "dads favorite president was Ronald Dragon".


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## Johnny Law

When my son was a toddler and we were having a "conversation" in the kitchen, I was asking him a bunch of questions so he could practice speaking and testing his knowledge. One of the questions was "Where does milk come from?" as we were eating breakfast. His response "From the fridgerator!" You can't argue with that logic.


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## HistoryHound

justanotherparatrooper said:


> "Dad, can I talk to you? Its not about money".....Its ALWAYS about money


HAHAHA! Isn't great to be an ATM.


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## cc3915

HistoryHound said:


> HAHAHA! Isn't great to be an ATM.


It never seems to end!!!!! :banghead:


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## Guest

I don't have any kids, but my friend and her 5 year old son were riding with her husband one day, when some guy cut them off. Her husband called the guy a douchebag under his breath, and their son in the backseat said, "Yeah, Dad.. what a juice bag...."


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## Mozzarella

Ginabear @ 5 yo: Mom, Dad you hafta feed me, its your job. Evanizer: Dad why is that brown boy screaming?


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## DEI8

Mommy, Daddy look that man is gonna have a baby too.


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## SinePari

Last year I come in from work and there's Thing 1 (3 y/o) standing on my bed, motioning to his waist: "Daddy, do you want a shot at the belt? Then it's me and you...right here, right now. Finally, a worthy opponent. Our battle will be legendary."

He pinned me after a monster elbow to the melon and he stomped on my grapes...


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## Dazy5

No kids here, so this is one my mother likes to remind me I said when I was little:

Dazy after seeing her first Black person in the kitchen of mom's work with a room full of people...

"Mommy, why is that man so dirty?" (loud enough for the whole room to hear and stop to see what she would say.)

Mom answers "No hunny, that's the color of his skin. Why? Because that's the color God made him."


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## cc3915

Kids Say The Darndest Things Art Linkletter 1959

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCHIM-bGiTI"]YouTube - Kids Say The Darndest Things Art Linkletter 1959[/nomedia]


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## 263FPD

Mozzarella said:


> Ginabear @ 5 yo: Mom, Dad you hafta feed me, its your job. Evanizer: *Dad why is that brown boy screaming*?


*Mozzarella: Because the Officer is Tasing him.*


Sorry I know,* Un-PC!!!*


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## Mozzarella

Does not happen frequently, but there was a moment of silence at the round table with a housefull of guest and Ginabear shouts out to me "No Pushy". I know what she meant but thats not how it came out, the "sh" was replaced with sssss. She was right though, lol.


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## SinePari

mtc said:


> Fast forward - boys are now 16 3/4 - one's at his girlfriends house - I just texted him to remind him it's "pumpkin time"... and he responds with "ya, I'm comin"....


Pumkin time? Man, I never had my mom sending me what-to-do-next messages when I was with my girlfriend. I had to figure it out by myself.

Sorry. That was a softball...


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## Guest

"Mommy. Who's my Daddy?"


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## badgebunny

My niece at 5 years old...received a doctor's kit for Xmas...she then said to me, as she is giving me a "check up"..."you need a new front to back!" *Note she had a UTI and had been told by the doctor that she needed to clean herself from front to back...I almost choked on my drink as I was laughing so hard!!! =)


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## Boston Irish Lass

I was raised with a "I'll give you something to cry about" mentality. Apparently this is not a hereditary gene. Took the child to a psychiatrist so we could both get some help/tips on getting over the need to cry about everything. 

Child is playing with a dollhouse on the floor. She picks up one of the hand painted people and notes that the mouth on one is scraped off. "This must be a very good child because she's so quiet". I'm thinking GREAT. This is going well. 

She then proceeds to put the child in a closet, closes the door and starts yelling at the top of her lungs "You're going to stay there for DAYS" 

Huh? I've never so much as raised a hand to this kid. In trying to quickly recoup from this by reminding her that we don't speak like that and she cuts me off with DAYS - DAYS!!!!

Yeah, that was the last time I tried to get some tips on how to help her deal with her emotions. I've accepted that she is a cryer and she has accepted that I will always find that odd. It works for us. 

Another classic was at the mall when she was going through her "no" stage. She was looking at the Disney Store window display. I told her we had to get going. 

NO

Shan, we need to go NOW. 

"I'M NOT SHANNON - YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER" 

You could have heard a pin drop as every stroller in the mall came to a screeching halt. 

I can't believe I haven't put this kid on eBay yet.


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## 263FPD

> She then proceeds to put the child in a closet, closes the door and starts yelling at the top of her lungs "You're going to stay there for DAYS"
> 
> Huh? I've never so much as raised a hand to this kid. In trying to quickly recoup from this by reminding her that we don't speak like that and she cuts me off with DAYS - DAYS!!!!


LMFAO B.I.L., but really, I am a mendated reporter so 51-A is being filed as we speak.:smoke:



> I can't believe I haven't put this kid on eBay yet.


Don't bother, I doubt anyone will buy her and if they do, they may want their money back.

I suggest placing her on your front lawn with a sign *"FREE, AS IS. You take her, you keep her."*


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## Boston Irish Lass

263FPD said:


> LMFAO B.I.L., but really, I am a mendated reporter so 51-A is being filed as we speak.:smoke:


I was on the phone with her pediatrician the second we walked out the office door. Horrified that some child services person was going to show up at my house to take her. Classic textbook child abuse. Her dr thank God knows me and laughed at me.



263FPD said:


> Don't bother, I doubt anyone will by her and if they do, they may want their money back.
> 
> I suggest placing her on your front lawn with a sign *"FREE, AS IS. You take her, you keep her."*


She could drive you mad lol. Believe me, this child talks to her toothbrush. She could honestly have a conversation with a stone. As the mister will confirm - she even talks in her sleep. When she was younger, no matter what was ailing her, I would tell her it was because she was taking in too much air from talking so much. It only bought me a few minutes of quiet - but it took her *years* to figure out that couldn't be possible.


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## 263FPD

> Believe me, this child talks to her toothbrush.


Yeah, I got one of those.


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## Beal Feirste

263FPD said:


> Yeah, I got one of those.


*You talk to it as well? *


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## Usa8235

Took my 2 sons when they were younger to restaurant..its 5ish so its us and a bunch of senior citizens there for the early bird special....younger son, out of the clear blue sky asking innocently "so, ma, what this business about Mike Hunt?" of course it comes out during a lull when there is no noise, loud and clear as a bell...older sons' coke comes shooting out of his mouth, all over the table....necks are swiveling at a high rate of speed to see the bad mother who bred such a beast...young one has no clue and says..ma, why is your face so red..older is gasping for breath and its still silent...i get up, never make eye contact with anyone in the room and slink out to the bar to ask for the bill....

---------- Post added at 16:06 ---------- Previous post was at 16:02 ----------

younger one comes downstairs one morning "at attention" and announces, Ma, i have a magic weiner..


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## 263FPD

Beal Feirste said:


> *You talk to it as well? *


After dealing with assholes 9 hours a day five days a week, 
I will talk to anything that doesn't talk back.:wink_smile:


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## Mozzarella

They are always listening. Mrs. Mozz walks through the door and the few minutes we have together before the "changing of the guards", she tells me about her day. Ginabear looks at her and says, wow Mom, you have issues! 
Same little angle says to her animal club, "shit, it's a pump day". She is a type 1 diabetic. I was not supposed to hear it, I pretended that I didn't. Lifes tough enough.


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## Guest

Four year old daughter comes out of TV room: "Mom, I gave Aaron (7 year old) a kiss and a hug!" -She is extremely huggy.

Aaron comes out of room, and deadpans: "Yeah... It was an awkward moment"


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## Johnny Law

5-0 said:


> Four year old daughter comes out of TV room: "Mom, I gave Aaron (7 year old) a kiss and a hug!" -She is extremely huggy.
> 
> Aaron comes out of room, and deadpans: "Yeah... It was an awkward moment"


Huh, my daughter slugs my son and vice versa, there seemingly is always a brawl going on between them (12 and 10). I was going to teach CQB to both of them in case it was needed in school, but now I'm not so sure that teaching a brachial stun wouldn't end up with them both collapsed on the floor. BTW, the brachial stun really works well, ask one of the guys who was at DT training and caught my backhand there.


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## Usa8235

Johnny Law said:


> Huh, my daughter slugs my son and vice versa, there seemingly is always a brawl going on between them (12 and 10). I was going to teach CQB to both of them in case it was needed in school, but now I'm not so sure that teaching a brachial stun wouldn't end up with them both collapsed on the floor. BTW, the brachial stun really works well, ask one of the guys who was at DT training and caught my backhand there.


 !!!!! this is my life too..only with 2 boys..i made the mistake of putting them both into Karate, which then gave them the skills to really hurt each other (not one of my smarter moves)...
on a good note your daughter will be a force to be reckoned with, which is a good thing these days ..she'll kick ass and not be afraid :running:


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## 263FPD

Johnny Law said:


> Huh, my daughter slugs my son and vice versa, there seemingly is always a brawl going on between them (12 and 10). I was going to teach CQB to both of them in case it was needed in school, but now I'm not so sure that teaching a brachial stun wouldn't end up with them both collapsed on the floor. BTW, the brachial stun really works well, ask one of the guys who was at DT training and caught my backhand there.


I am a big fan of that Brachial Stun.


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## Johnny Law

263FPD said:


> I am a big fan of that Brachial Stun.


So am I bro!


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## SinePari

Sitting in traffic today, Thing 1 (4.5 y/o) looks to the right and sees a side street with no cars going that way. He says, "daddy, there's a shortcut." I tell him that street doesn't go to our house. He replies in a Denzel-like manner, "daddy, do you want to sit in traffic all day or do you want to go home." I about drove off the road laughing so hard...


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## 263FPD

We take this stuff for granted sometimes, but in light of yet another cop being murdered, it makes me think. File it under "The unfunny/serious things yor kids say".

For a little over six months now, my two year old daughter, has taken to running a series of questions by me every time I get dressed for work. It's usually the same questions;

"Did you remember your flashlight?"
"Did you take your gun?"
"Are you wearing your jacket?" She calls my vest a "jacket".

She always ends the interrogation with "Daddy, be safe!"

As I was leaving to go to work yesterday, she went through her usual 
questioning, but before she told me to be safe she just stopped to watch me holster my gun, looked at me and said "Don't kill anybody today."

It just blew my mind, and I thought that I might share it with you.


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## pucknut

A few years ago at my son's kindegarten open house he was building a block house with another kid. The block house fell over and he says " That's OK brown kid, we can make another one". The kids father thought it was the funniest thing he ever heard. I however wanted to crawl under the desk.


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## Guest

My kids are grown now but when I was getting dressed to go on a detail he would say "more detail" Now that he is on the job and a father to be he told me the other day that he now understands "more detail. My other son's story is not so much what he said as what he did. When he was little the freddie kruger movies were big and I used to pretend I was freddy. Well at a day care father son day all the kids had drawn a picture of what they do with their daddys. Some of the kids had drawn My daddy takes me fishing bowling the movies you get it When I get to mine his says My daddy scares my and had drawn a freddie kruger. I wanted to crawl into a hole.:skull:


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## pucknut

mtc said:


> Ah - but the beauty is - he's playing with a "brown kid" and doesn't care - he's just another kid to play with!
> 
> I always raised my kids with the mantra that people are like M&M's - all different colors on the outside, and good stuff on the inside - though some are nuts and some are crispy !
> 
> 263 - Wow - just plain wow!


 Your so right, when I asked him what color he is he said yellow (he's blond and fair skinned).The best part about it was that both of the boys had no idea what was so funny.


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## Guest

Tonight, my son (almost 3yo) asked me "Why are you watching the news?" I said "I like the news, don't you?" 
- "No."
- "Why not?"
- "Because I'm young." 

Ouch. LOL!


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## justanotherparatrooper

"I'll pay you back dad"


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## LGriffin

My toddler just entered that phase where she talks constantly, I really don't know how she breaths, but tonight my husband was correcting her about something and out of the blue she replies, "No Daddy, Momma's smarter than you are," which is true:tongue:, but hilarious when it comes right from the mouth of babes.


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## Guest

Folks who are on my FB already saw this, but it deserves repeating:



> So, I get home last night from work at midnight, and go in to kiss my kids goodnight. Rachael is asleep, so I wake her up. Here is what happened:
> 
> Me: Wake up Rachael, It's Daddy, I love you"
> Rachael: "ok! ok! I love you too! (irritated)"
> Me: "You're so pretty"
> Rachael: "I KNOW!"


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## Guest

263FPD said:


> We take this stuff for granted sometimes, but in light of yet another cop being murdered, it makes me think. File it under "The unfunny/serious things yor kids say".
> 
> For a little over six months now, my two year old daughter, has taken to running a series of questions by me every time I get dressed for work. It's usually the same questions;
> 
> "Did you remember your flashlight?"
> "Did you take your gun?"
> "Are you wearing your jacket?" She calls my vest a "jacket".
> 
> She always ends the interrogation with "Daddy, be safe!"
> 
> As I was leaving to go to work yesterday, she went through her usual
> questioning, but before she told me to be safe she just stopped to watch me holster my gun, looked at me and said "Don't kill anybody today."
> 
> It just blew my mind, and I thought that I might share it with you.


When I'm getting ready to leave for work, my daughter always punches me in the chest to make sure I'm wearing my vest (and then complains it hurt because she hits the steel ballistic plate).


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## Guest

mtc said:


> Better hurt knuckles than a broken heart.


Well said, mtc.


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## grn3charlie

Delta784 said:


> When I'm getting ready to leave for work, my daughter always punches me in the chest to make sure I'm wearing my vest (and then complains it hurt because she hits the steel ballistic plate).


Thank God she's not delivering a kick checking for a cup and you forgot to suit up!


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## LGriffin

5-0 said:


> Folks who are on my FB already saw this, but it deserves repeating:


Wakin' people up! What's the matter with you?:wink_smile:


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## SinePari

Thing 1 is playing with his little buddy over the house the other day when his buddy gets a boo-boo from rough-housing. 

Thing 1 says, "That boo-boo gives you the CDI Effect."
Buddy says, "What's that?"
Thing 1 says, "Chicks Dig It. The more boo-boos you get, the more chicks you get. Duh!"


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## Deuce

Ah the CDI effect; goes with the CDS mantra. Even Deuce Jr. knows chicks dig scars..


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## SOT

The idiot that came up with the names Percy and Chuck for trains should be beaten with a stick.

In church on Sunday, Cruz went up to the front for the children's reading, and he left his two little trains back in the pew. 
Two-thirds of the way down the aisle it dawns on him and starts walking back to the pew yelling at the top of his lungs,
"I want my cock and pussy, I want my COCK AND PUSSY, I WANT MY COCK AND PUSSY!!!!"

Now I know he is saying, or trying to say, Chuck and Percy....but no one else in the church does.

Thank god they don't have trains named, Clint, Virginia, Ash, or Krunt


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## Rock

At Disney a few years ago. We're in the room all trying to decide which park to hit for the day. The 5 year old is getting mad because he thinks he's being ignored. I finally look at him and ask him where he wants to go. He says in a stern abrupt tone, "It rhymes with SHMANIMAL KINGDOM!" 

We went to 'Shmanimal Kingdom'.


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## Guest

My friend was outside today putting bird seed in her feeders... Her daughter asked a question about woodpeckers. My friend said, "do you like woodpeckers, honey?", and her daughter says, "Mommy, I LOVE peckers!"


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## LGriffin

We took the kids sliding on the mountain yesterday. After pulling the baby up a few times, we decided to let her walk up since she was full of energy. Half way up she said that she felt like her legs were going to throw up.


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## DEI8

This is from a 3 YO, in voice full of panic. Daddy daddy I gotta poop, daddy I gotta poop, gotta poop. Then there was a long pause and the voice changed from panic to crying, I pooped my pants. 

Quickly I said its not your fault, but you need to go see Mumma, as I called my dog and fled out the back door.


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## screamineagle

The one black kid at my sons school told him " your unusually tall" to which my son replied " your unusually dark".


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## justanotherparatrooper

Same son, now 25 telling my shepard yesterday "you even look at my food and I'll go Vietnamese on you"


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## daveh

"You mean you did not even CONSIDER my wishes when YOU GUYS decided to have another child?" - 14 year old only son


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## DEI8

From my three year old daughter to my six year old, "give me the phone my boyfriend is gonna call me":stomp:


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## 263FPD

How's you onion?:redcarded:


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## LGriffin

Onion Mens Boxer Shorts | Onion Underwear Trunks - CafePress AU


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## Oscar8

My neighbors wife is very well endowed. My two year old son walks up to her one day and says "I like your breast". We all thought he said I like your dress. We asked him, you like her dress? He says NO "I like her breast" HAHA THATS MY BOY!:shades_smile:


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## Guest

I scolded my 3yo son for poking his little sister in the eye. He replied "Well I was trying to poke her on the nose, but I keep missing!"


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## TacEntry

My daughter a couple years a go at pre-school, when asked what "Mommy and Daddy do":

"My Daddy shoots people in the head for the salute flag" 

Needless to say Mrs. Tac was horrified. Her teacher loved it, and had a very good sense of humor about it...


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## Guest

Just heard my almost 23 mo. old daughter tell my 3 yr old son "Are you in charge? No." 

Couldn't help but laugh.


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## 7costanza

My sister asked me a few weeks ago to teach her 14 yr old son the basics of firearms. So I went over to her house, went over all the safety stuff, then went outside and used his bb gun to go over the basics of shooting. So we are talking and my other nephew who is about 4 comes out and stands there listening, he says " Uncle Sean do you shoot people " so of course I said " only bad people" . He went back in and the lesson continued for a while. When we went back in later the little nephew had a friend over, as I walked in he looks at his friend and says " Thats my uncle Sean, be good or he will shoot you ".


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## HistoryHound

right.as.rain said:


> Just heard my almost 23 mo. old daughter tell my 3 yr old son "Are you in charge? No."
> 
> Couldn't help but laugh.


That reminds me of an argument my kids had when they were younger. I can't remember what started it but the oldest looked at her sister and said, "you have two hands" to which her sister replied "yeah, but I only have one mother." I have to admit it's hard to break up an argument when you're trying not to laugh.


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## Guest

So, I've got 3 hummingbird feeders up, and the birds are coming non-stop now... groups of 2-3. My 2 youngest (5 and 2) stand at the windows now going : 
'hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm' all day because they think they are calling the birds. Kill me.


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## Guest

Driving down the road, my 3yo son in the backseat sees a MSP cruiser w/ his lights on pass us going the other way. He says "Hey mommy, that's one of daddy's friends from his work!" I say "Yeah, and he's going somewhere in a hurry." He replies "Probably to get coffee."


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## csauce777

right.as.rain said:


> Driving down the road, my 3yo son in the backseat sees a MSP cruiser w/ his lights on pass us going the other way. He says "Hey mommy, that's one of daddy's friends from his work!" I say "Yeah, and he's going somewhere in a hurry." He replies "Probably to get coffee."


The funny part is he was right


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## 263FPD

I posted this on my FB, but of course not all of you had seen it.

_*My three year old daughter to my one year old son as they play with my daughter's toy kitchen utensils, "Put down the knife and put your hands behind your back!!!"
I almost fell out of my chair.*_


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## topcop14

Watched my 4 and 5 year olds act out a felony stop one day. It was word for word what they saw on cops . I almost pissed myself as the 5 year old yelled stop resisting as he put his toy handcuffs on his little brother.


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## Guest

Anytime I show my kids some funny YT video, they walk around repeating random quotes with me. It's hilarious. The latest one is this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bTbAsmPOKo

Now I hear 'Treat'... 'Mouse'... all day.


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## Guest

When my son was really young, every time I'd leave for work, he'd say "Daddy, farefuls (careful) and I hope you don't have to shoot a bad guy wif your gum (yes, gum)".


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## Guest

Along those lines B, my 2 year old was helping me garden, and keep saying "Tiss Tabooz' translated: She wanted to kiss my tattoo, she had never seen it. I chuckled.


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## topcop14

Delta784:601135 said:


> When my son was really young, every time I'd leave for work, he'd say "Daddy, farefuls (careful) and I hope you don't have to shoot a bad guy wif your gum (yes, gum)".


 Every day when I get home my boys ask if I caught any bad guys and when I say no the youngest says in.his most serious voice. Oh darn it !!!


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## 7costanza

My cute as hell niece asked me when my cat was going to get his tentacles removed, she had overheard a conversation about getting him neuterd.


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## Guest

My 3yo son came into the kitchen w/ a bunch of coins in his hand. He said he found them on the table. I took them and said "Thank you, I'll put them up for now." He said "Mommy, I had them in my hand for safe-keeping."


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## retired2000

My daughter was a huge Michael Jackson fan and I liked Elton John. When she was about 11 or 12 (twenty years ago) she came home and told me she heard in school that Michael Jackson and Elton John made a song together. " Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me". I wanted to laugh so bad. The only thing I could think of was to tell her to tell her mother. Bad move. Poor girl had no idea why her mother was so upset.


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## Guest

In the car today, my 2yo daughter was getting antsy as we sat in a parking lot. She yells at hubby "Drive, daddy!" 
Hubby- "You drive." 
Her - "I can't."
Hubby- "Why not?"
Her - (after a pause) "Because I'm a girl." 


What in the world have I been teaching her???

Sent from my ADR6300


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## Guest

My daughter (almost 3 yrs old) was playing on my Kindle. She had to go potty, so she told my son (4 1/2 yrs old) not to touch the Kindle while she was gone. As she returned a few minutes later, she peeked through the stair railing to see my son across the room, sitting w/ his hands over the Kindle. She called out sternly, "Don't do it... I'm watching you, boy." 

Totally made me LOL. 


Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2


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## Kilvinsky

When my son was just a little guy (which he is NOT now) I once said, "You don't say." and he replied, "I DO say." I got a big kick out of that.


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## Guest

My 4yr old son took one of the bows off of the baby's birthday present, stuck it to his leg, and said "Mommy, I got a bow-leg!"  LOL! 

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2


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## 263FPD

a friend came over today to hang out and make cookies for the kids that she promissed to make them. She asks if i have a bowl to mix the cookie dough in and me being the wiseass that I am, I tell her that I have all kinds of bowls, glass, plastic, metal and such. I tell her that the only kind of bowl I do not have is the kind you load up with weed and smoke it. Totally unfunny of me, but at that same time my four year old daughter chimes in, "Yeah daddy, you have to buy some of those bowls. We need them for later." 

Now that was funny, and we had a good laugh over that. You had to be there.....


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## HistoryHound

I get a kick out of reading these. Especially now that my kids are no longer at that age where the funny things they come out with are cute. Now the stuff they come out with is equally funny and disturbing because I know that they know the meaning of what they're saying.


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## Usa8235

Son comes home last night after his annual explorer ride-along.
"Boy, the dumb shit the people in this city call the police for, no wonder dad used to come home talking to himself"


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## Guest

My 3 Yr old daughter was asking for M&M's after lunch. I said "You haven't been a very good listener. You have to be a good listener to get a treat."
She quickly replied "Ohhhh, I was just pretending to be a girl who isn't nice." 
She's much too smart for her own good. 

Sent from my wicked smaht DROID RAZR


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## Guest

My 3-Yr old passed gas in a rather noisy way, and after a silent pause, she announced "It's like there's a frog in my pants!" Classy girl. 

Sent from my wicked smaht DROID RAZR


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## 263FPD

My four year old daughter called told me that her two year old brother is a "Beoch" 

I will have to have a conversation with certain someone in regards to that word. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LGriffin

My little one enjoys reciting statements from Sweet Brown, "Oh Lord Jesus, it's a fire!" "I got Bronchitis" from hearing it.


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## Nightstalker

My 4 yr olds rendition of You're a Grand Old Flag... "...*and I heart beef stew* for the red, white and blue". Hey he tries!


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## 263FPD

I heart beef stew too. 

I ❤ beef stew

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Guest

Today our 3 Yr old told her daddy "You better live somewhere else, freeloader." 
Then tonight I asked my 4 Yr old if he wanted fish sticks for dinner. He said "No thanks. I want something healthy." 


Sent from my wicked smaht DROID RAZR


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## 263FPD

The other day my three year old son was. It getting his way when he demanded candy before dinner. When I said no, he came back with "You are fired, daddy. FIRED!!!"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Guest

right.as.rain said:


> My 3-Yr old passed gas in a rather noisy way, and after a silent pause, she announced "It's like there's a frog in my pants!" Classy girl.


OMG, thanks!! I needed that laugh a lot! So cute!


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## Finkle'n'Einhorn

My son (age 6) recently comes out with, "What's ribbed for her pleasure?" And, "She's a babe. Shwiiing."
I'm scratching my head like, Where the hell is this all coming from? Later, Finkle chuckles and says, "Well, I guess that's what happens when I let him watch Wayne's World."


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## Guest

My 2 Yr old has been asking for "the cow song" lately. I had no idea what he was talking about. Then today he asked for it again, I said "You sing it." So he starts singing the ABC's:
"A-B-C-D-E-F-G... H-I-J-cow-L-M-N-O-P..." 

Sent from my wicked smaht DROID RAZR


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## daveh

Sat down to watch television last night. Was not paying all that much attention to my daughter when she says, "You are turning into a daddy." I looked at her and asked what daddies do. She said, "Watch TV."


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## Hush

3 year old busted out with FUCK yesterday. I was sweating it while mom interrogated him, but he said he heard it from summer camp.


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## Mr Scribbles

Hush said:


> 3 year old busted out with FUCK yesterday. I was sweating it while mom interrogated him, but he said he heard it from summer camp.


Good boy! NEVER rat out dad....Schwartz said it!
The only thing is, it's cute when they're little, but loses its appeal when they're teenagers...


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## LGriffin

Stewie wanted to know about the difference between Conservatives and liberals so I explained it in terms a 6YO could understand.
He deduced that the liberals need Sporticus (from Lazytown) to come teach liberals to stop being so lazy.


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## Guest

Hush said:


> 3 year old busted out with FUCK yesterday. I was sweating it while mom interrogated him, but he said he heard it from summer camp.


And I was mortified when my kid said "dammit". O.O

Sent from my wicked smaht DROID RAZR


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## mpd61

Years ago our neighbors to the right were sorely lacking in things like mowing their lawn, painting the house and keeping trash/junked vehicles from piling up. First grade comes and all us proud parents in the neighborhood are standing together waiting for the bus. My #1 son says loudly to the neighbors daughter; "My dad says your house is a shit-house!" Ouch!!!! The look on my wife's face was PRICELESS!


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## LGriffin

mpd61 said:


> Years ago our neighbors to the right were sorely lacking in things like mowing their lawn, painting the house and keeping trash/junked vehicles from piling up. First grade comes and all us proud parents in the neighborhood are standing together waiting for the bus. My #1 son says loudly to the neighbors daughter; "My dad says your house is a shit-house!" Ouch!!!! The look on my wife's face was PRICELESS!


So, did they make any effort to clean up after that?


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## mpd61

LGriffin said:


> So, did they make any effort to clean up after that?


No poor fawkers (who were actually nice folks) lost jobs=lost house, etc etc.....


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## Guest

My 4 Yr old daughter asked me last night, "How did God put my blood inside me without getting it all over him?"

Sent from my wicked smaht Droid Maxx


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## Dan Stark

Asked 4 year old where socks were couple days ago. Answer? 

I took em and threw em on the groouuuuund. (She's a fan of the song)


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## Dan Stark

Link if you haven't seen it. All of my kids randomly throw stuff on the ground yelling Happy Birthday to the ground

Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


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## LGriffin

Dan Stark said:


> Link if you haven't seen it. All of my kids randomly throw stuff on the ground yelling Happy Birthday to the ground


INteresting. Why is his butt-hole so accessible to others?
He should invest in those anti-rape panties.


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## Dan Stark

LGriffin said:


> INteresting. Why is his butt-hole so accessible to others?
> He should invest in those anti-rape panties.


I stop video before that. Never had to explain that mystery to kids.


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## Pvt. Cowboy

The look on Ryan Reynold's face is priceless while he tazes. .


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## Goose

Dan Stark said:


> Link if you haven't seen it. All of my kids randomly throw stuff on the ground yelling Happy Birthday to the ground


Well, I never thought I'd see a music video where someone sings "my butthole was on fire!"


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## Dan Stark

frank said:


> Well, I never thought I'd see a music video where someone sings "my butthole was on fire!"


You're clearly never partied with me Frank.


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## Goose

Dan Stark said:


> You're clearly never partied with me Frank.


Tracer compound? Sounds kinky.


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## Dan Stark

Let's do this










Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


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## Goose

Dan Stark said:


> Let's do this
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


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## Guest

my 2 year old grandson tell his grandmother I want to go home now, when she asked why he says"I got things to do."


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## HistoryHound

I know this thread is geared toward little kids and their comments, but this gave me a good laugh. My kids are home for Thanksgiving and one of the girls was upset about something that happened at school. From what I caught of the conversation it appears that her boyfriend was telling to her not to be upset. To which she responded "Don't tell me not to be upset. When you do that you diminish and invalidate my feelings." The poor kid doesn't stand a chance, she's not even the one who's going to be a psychologist.

To make it even worse for him, he tried to compliment her, stumbled over his choice of words and the end result was not a compliment. Like I said, he doesn't have a chance.


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## k12kop

One from the way back machine. I came home off the midnight shift and Mrs K12 got me up after only 2 hours sleep for some chore. Long story short I lost the argument and was sneaking a smoke out the window and mumbling to myself. Little one asks "Daddy who you talking to?" Told her I was talking to myself, She says "It's okay if you talk to your imaginary friends Daddy, I talk to mine all the time."


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## FTH

Why Do I Love Winter project in school, kids are all gushing over beautiful snow and winter fun ... We, my son is does not run with the crowd


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## Dan Stark

Made home fries for 4 year old in deep fryer (don't judge me). Salt, pepper, frigging delicious. She takes a bite... Looks around.... Gets ketchup. She dips and takes another bite. Whispers to herself 'yeah baby. That's the ticket'

Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


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## FTH

Dan Stark said:


> Made home fries for 4 year old in deep fryer (don't judge me). Salt, pepper, frigging delicious. She takes a bite... Looks around.... Gets ketchup. She dips and takes another bite. Whispers to herself 'yeah baby. That's the ticket'
> 
> Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


I see you're putting Christmas gifts to a good use  
It was hilarious, I did my tea all over the monitor when I read it


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## Dan Stark

4 year old (again) asked if I would arrest her if she broke law.

YES.

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## Dan Stark

263FPD said:


> But you'd wait until she was 7 right? Considering that's the earliest age we can arrest.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This arrest would be off the books. Haha

Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


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## GreenMachine

LIilo and Bitch are a favorite with my 2 year old.


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## Dan Stark

I'm putting this in this thread because this guy is like my new dumb stepchild. He works in cafeteria at my job, and has said some whoppers. Walks up to me tonight while in full uni. Says he got a job in Seattle. Oh yeah buddy? Doing what?

Makes a scissor motion with his fingers.

Me being the disgruntled asshole I've become... "What? Doing arts and crafts? Playing scissors in a rock paper scissors team?

Nope. Cutting up bud yo. 

I burst out laughing, and this GED dropout tells me he's guaranteed 70k. Sad thing is? Hes probably not lying. Good job son!

Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


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## HistoryHound

Dan Stark said:


> I'm putting this in this thread because this guy is like my new dumb stepchild. He works in cafeteria at my job, and has said some whoppers. Walks up to me tonight while in full uni. Says he got a job in Seattle. Oh yeah buddy? Doing what?
> 
> Makes a scissor motion with his fingers.
> 
> Me being the disgruntled asshole I've become... "What? Doing arts and crafts? Playing scissors in a rock paper scissors team?
> 
> Nope. Cutting up bud yo.
> 
> I burst out laughing, and this GED dropout tells me he's guaranteed 70k. Sad thing is? Hes probably not lying. Good job son!
> 
> Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


I just saw a thing on this not too long ago on America Declassified. At the place they were at they get paid in weed. Oops I'm sorry, they get paid with a six month supply of "medicine". http://www.travelchannel.com/tv-shows/america-declassified


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## Goose

HistoryHound said:


> I just saw a thing on this not too long ago on America Declassified. At the place they were at they get paid in weed. Oops I'm sorry, they get paid with a six month supply of "medicine". http://www.travelchannel.com/tv-shows/america-declassified


Backed up another officer on a stop one time and that was exactly what happened...problem is weed was still illegal. Oops.

Sent from my flux capacitor using 1.21 jigawatts


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## FTH

Dan Stark said:


> This arrest would be off the books. Haha


Why wait until they get in trouble? Administer prophylactic spanking first thing in the morning 
I'm big on preventive measures!


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## FTH

263FPD said:


> My son still has some issues with his potty training as it pertains to #2. Watched his mother pretty much humiliate him last night because he had an accident. Said something to her about it, but because we aren't together anymore, anything coming out of my mouth is disregarded more than it was when we were together.
> 
> Fast forward another hour, and my daughter has someone go get me. Now, this kid is almost 6 and she had never had an issue with her potty training. She took to it like it was the most natural thing to do, before she was 2 years old. Apparently, last night she couldn't get herself undressed in time and had an accident. The kid was completely terrified and did not want her mother to know. So she called for me. Begged me not to tell her mother, and begged me to wash her clothes at my house. So I tried to keep it as quiet as possible, but never the less, her mother found out. Don't know what her intentions were, but I immediately told her to not even say anything to my daughter. There is absolutely no reason that these kids should fear either one of us. I can not even tell you how upset I was yesterday.


It is extremely upsetting  Under no circumstances kids should be humiliated... Shaming kids during potty training does NOT work! And it will come back to hunt her in more way then one ... what in a world is she thinking!? 
I'm so sorry!


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## HistoryHound

263FPD said:


> My son still has some issues with his potty training as it pertains to #2. Watched his mother pretty much humiliate him last night because he had an accident. Said something to her about it, but because we aren't together anymore, anything coming out of my mouth is disregarded more than it was when we were together.
> 
> Fast forward another hour, and my daughter has someone go get me. Now, this kid is almost 6 and she had never had an issue with her potty training. She took to it like it was the most natural thing to do, before she was 2 years old. Apparently, last night she couldn't get herself undressed in time and had an accident. The kid was completely terrified and did not want her mother to know. So she called for me. Begged me not to tell her mother, and begged me to wash her clothes at my house. So I tried to keep it as quiet as possible, but never the less, her mother found out. Don't know what her intentions were, but I immediately told her to not even say anything to my daughter. There is absolutely no reason that these kids should fear either one of us. I can not even tell you how upset I was yesterday.


It's unbelievable how many people think that's the way to handle this situation. They have a child in the program that my daughter works at who has frequent accidents. To make a long story short, she has been told at different times by his foster mother and therapist to let the kid sit in it so he learns or to punish him. She's not even a parent and she understands how bad an idea those options are. She'll be the first to tell you she's not thrilled about having to help this child clean himself up, but she knows that there are better ways to handle the situation.


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## Dan Stark

10 month old can't talk, but eats apples.

HE GOT HER NUMBAH.... How do you like DEM APPLES?


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## FTH

263FPD said:


> It's a par for the course


... shouldn't be ... Although we we don't always know what would be exactly the right thing to do when it comes to our kids some things are crystal clear. 
And no, I don't spank my kids


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## FTH

263FPD said:


> Getting an occasional spanking, did not make me a terrible person. As far as the fact that it should not be the par for the course, I agree with you. I could vent for days. You think you know someone, but you really do not. That incident had ruined my mood enough so that I am still feeling it today 24+ hours later. Did not like seeing the look on my daughter's face one bit. made me pretty sad


Venting is good ... They know they have you in their corner and it's a big deal! From what I've heard about your daughter she is one tough cookie and she will push back. It won't be pretty either


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## nemedic

My younger (4 YO) cousin once answered the knocking at his front door by screaming "Who the f*** is it?"


All grammatical, spelling, and informational errors are solely the fault of Tapatalk and Autocorrect. Pay no attention to the fat fingers mashing on the keyboard behind the curtain.


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## FTH

Watching cross-county skiing, "Mom, look, those people on skis got lost in the woods!"


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## GARDA

On the road with the fam I ask Mrs. GARDA if we need to make a stop for Daughter #1 who has a cold, so I say, 'we should probably get her some ANTIHISTAMINE'. Then,
over the music playing, Daughter #2 who heard something phonetically similar wants to know why Daughter #1 needs 'HANDs-of-HISTORY' and where do they sell that??

Laughing our arses silly, I tell her I'm not sure, but it's probably on the shelf right next to
'Fate's fickle finger'. (okay, so maybe you had to be there, lol).


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## FTH

263FPD said:


> The four year old says to me this evening, "Whatever you say Daddy-o"


Can it be too early to watch Pulp Fiction?
You can't get a stake here daddy-o


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## Guest

Me: "Come here, let's change your stinky diaper."

2 Yr old: "Nah, I'm good." 

LOL

Sent from my wicked smaht Droid Maxx


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## Dan Stark

4 year old w/ mac and cheese:

Excuse me waiter. I believe I ordered ketchup with my meal. 

Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


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## FTH

Dan Stark said:


> 4 year old w/ mac and cheese:
> 
> Excuse me waiter. I believe I ordered ketchup with my meal.
> 
> Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


Courtesy of SpongeBob  It's gonna be ...


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## Dan Stark

FTH said:


> Courtesy of SpongeBob  It's gonna be ...


Oh Waitorrrrrrrr


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## Dan Stark

4 year old: 

Hey dad... I just got some coke,, don't tell my milk. 

Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk


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## LGriffin

Bertram heard the dying battery alert in the smoke alarm and thought it meant fire.

Starts grabbing toys and exclaims: "Oh no! My beautiful home!"


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## Guest

My 2 Yr old at dinner says to his 6 Yr old brother "This food is freaking me out." 
Not sure what kind of review that is on my cooking. 

Sent from my wicked smaht Droid Maxx


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## Mr Scribbles

When my boys were little, my brother in law would call close to Christmas pretending to be Santa. Mrs Scribbles and I worked them up pretty good for the call. When it rang, my then youngest son about 3 years old ran over and grabbed the phone. My brother in law said "Ho-Ho-Ho" and my guy yelled "F&^% YOU!"* and slammed down the receiver. His two older brothers began crying uncontrollably. My brother in law couldn't call back for almost an hour he was laughing so hard. He still calls all the little nephews and nieces to this day, but has never got a response like that.

*To this day I have no idea where he could have heard such language


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## HistoryHound

Not something funny one of my kids said, but something funny said to one of my kids. My youngest finished her student teaching of a first grade class. One of the little girls wrote her a card that read "The hole class will ms. you. (Well most of it.)"


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## FTH

Claw Enforcement? ... I wonder what it is about ...


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## 7costanza

FTH said:


> Claw Enforcement? ... I wonder what it is about ...
> View attachment 3335


Claw Enforcement.......old skool.


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