# Dating the Man



## kwflatbed (Dec 29, 2004)

*Dating the Man*

*Tips for healthy workplace romances*

*MICHELLE PERIN
Communications Contributor*
_Officer.com_

Several years ago, when I was trying to get into law enforcement and still married to an officer, I experienced my first issue with having a workplace romance. I sat before an oral board made up of three emergency communication employees and innocently asked, "Is it true I won't be allowed to work my husband's frequency?" An amused look crossed one of the board member's face as she calmly advised me if dispatchers weren't allowed to work the frequency of an officer they were romantically involved with, there wouldn't be enough dispatchers to fill the schedule. It didn't take me long to figure out what she was talking about. 
Workplace romances are inevitable, especially in stressful occupations. Strange work hours, traumatic situations, and sharing of dark cop humor places emergency communications workers in a prime position to meet, date, and often, marry officers on their department. Although jokes abound about how the radio room is a meat market full of over-sexed home wreckers, most communications operator/police officer romances exist simply because people tend to date who they work with. Many successful relationships exist between civilian and sworn law enforcement personnel. Often officers would rather date someone who understands the schedule, work hours, danger, and language of their occupation. Since romances on the department are inevitable, the question facing both management and those who choose to date within the officer pool is how to channel workplace sexuality? 
Most law enforcement agencies have fraternization/nepotism policies simply stating a supervisor and subordinate cannot be involved. On larger departments, a patrol officer dating another officer in a managerial position would simply work for another precinct or bureau. Smaller departments face more complicated issues, often resulting in one partner seeking employment with another agency. But how does the supervisor/subordinate problem apply to communications? If sworn employees supervise communications operators, a policy against fraternization could apply, but if civilian employees are supervised by other civilians, few departments have rules restricting romantic relationships. Most government agencies shy away from adopting policies regulating employees' dating/sexual relationships out of fear of being sued. Courts have been found several departments in violation of an employee's right to privacy and freedom of intimate association. Due to this, many departments have gotten rid of fraternization policies in favor of sexual harassment regulations. But, what is the difference? 
Fraternization polices often regulated who a person can "hang out with" off duty. These policies can include situations from co-habitation to car pooling. Have three males and a female officer on your squad? Better think twice about meeting them at the bar for a drink. You could face discipline under fraternization. Sexual harassment regulations, on the other hand, typically address on duty behaviors. The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission defines sexual harassment as "unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature...when submission to or rejection of this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual's employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual's work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment." These policies regulate employee behavior towards each other at work versus at home. Although sexual harassment regulations do not prohibit officers from dating dispatchers, each face discipline if either violates appropriate conduct towards the other on-duty. When an inter-departmental romance exists, both people need to keep in mind the perception of favoritism. If another employee believes the love interest of an employee is receiving special favors due to that relationship, a suit of sexual harassment could be filed. Any time someone feels discriminated based on sexual conduct, policy changes or departmental discipline could soon follow. So, what do you do if you're an emergency communications operator married to an officer? Or, if you meet someone on or off duty who makes you want to hear the words, "cuff 'em?" How do you protect your personal and professional relationship? In "How to Lose your Heart--And Keep Your Job," Stephanie Williams offers some advice:


Proceed with caution.
Make sure your interest does not turn into harassment.
Be direct when you're not interested.
Be discreet, but not secretive when the relationship moves forward.
If the relationship doesn't work out, break it off quickly and smoothly.
Respect you will have to work with each other afterwards and lay out ground rules for work behavior after the break-up.
Do not talk about it especially with co-workers!
These rules can apply to any office romance, while relationships between officers and emergency communications can incorporate a few more complications, therefore, necessitating a bit more personal restraint (no pun intended). Here are my own additions to Williams' advice:


If they're married, they're not in the dating pool. Although some consider this draconian, many departments still have adultery policies.
If they just graduated the Academy, they're probably too young.
MDTs are not for personal, lovey-dovey Instant Messages. IA will know XOXOXO is not a legitimate call type.
Changing your voice to sexy, husky, or baby-talk works for 900 numbers, not for the radio.
Patrol cars are for patrol, not lunch time liaisons in the communications parking lot.
Understand and be prepared to handle emergency traffic involving your significant other professionally. You might be required to handle the whole emergency when you want to run to the hospital. You have a job to do.
By following a few simple rules and employing a lot of common sense, a romantic relationship between an officer and a communications operator can offer a safe, understanding haven in the chaotic world of first responders. Unfortunately, it also offers an immense opportunity for bitterness, gossip, and trips in front of the Disciplinary Board. Williams states, "In an around-the-clock, team-based, fast-paced business environment, work becomes play. Collegiality becomes intimacy. Intimacy becomes, well, intimacy. Before you know it you're not just office mates, you're soul mates." Just make sure you understand and establish boundaries and rules within your relationship. This way, your romance and your job stand to be a lot stronger and last a lot longer.

*Web Links:* 
How to Lose Your Heart  And Keep Your Job 
The New (and Improved) Dating Game: Employers Endeavor to Change the Rules to Limit Liability 









 
_*Michelle Perin* worked as a police telecommunications operator with the Phoenix (AZ) Police Department for over eight years. In 2005, she received her B.S. in Justice & Social Inquiry/English Literature from Arizona State University. She now writes full-time from a small community in Michigan's Upper Peninsula.
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